Silent Treatment: The Hidden Abuse

A Guest Post by Life Riddles


If you are in a relationship of any kind, at one point or another you are going to encounter it!

It is not: Time Out, Giving some space, lay off, Cooling off or any other fancy description, It is a form of abuse called: The Silent Treatment,

Do not let the name fools you though; this is one serious relationship breaker that keeps bugging you or your partner until one of you cannot take it anymore and call it quits. It is a form of social rejection that affects couples everywhere and everyday, at its worst; it is Continual Silent Treatment, where the person gives a partner utter silence for days or weeks on end, and some will make the effort to avoid being in the same room!


The causes

Every relationship is composed of Passive and Aggressive partners with a variation in the degree of aggression. Which in turn reflects in the way each of them uses the silent treatment:

• The passive partner uses silent treatment as a form of defense: Ignoring the problem will make it go away, or as a reaction to a hurtful situation which demands some space to think things over.
• On the other hand; the aggressive partner uses silent treatment as a measure of control, or as a punishment for something his or her partner did. Now we are talking about Abuse

The effects:

• Physical: Silent treatment triggers what is called “Social pain” in the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex of your brain, the very same location of actual physical pain.
• Emotional: Since it is a form of social rejection; it affects the caudate nucleus of your brain provoking a mix of negative emotions including: Frustration, intense anger, and eventually, resignation and despair.
• Psychological: You will suffer from low self esteem, a sense of loss and not belonging, increased stress and loss of control.
• Behavioral: The constant fear of receiving the silent treatment casts a shadow of uncertainty in your life, you begin to watch closely for every word and action on your part and you second-guess yourself: Am I doing the right thing? Am I saying the right words? In other words: You try hard to avoid it, which changes you onto a person that is no longer YOU.

How to deal with it:

Keep your anger in check:

Reacting to silent treatment in anger reinforces the abuser sense of control over you” Hey, it works! I’ll use it again” and the episodes keep on coming.

Apologize first, ask WHY later:

You cannot read minds so might as well start a conversation anyway; apologizing for something you did (or did not) is the softer approach in any conflict. And then ask why, you have the right to know if that person is giving you the cold shoulder for a reason. If your apology or question falls on deaf ears; do not blame yourself and start looking for a way out of that relationship.

Express your feelings:

Admitting to your partner your pain as a result from him/her giving you the silent treatment is not giving up control, it is simply putting the issue up front and center, it shows your intent on keeping that relationship going.

Have an open mind:

To what your partner has to say about his/her reasons that ended up with the silent treatment. Make sure you do not ridicule them no matter how trivial they sound; after all, we all have different personalities.

Do not fight silence with silence:

That would make things even worse, it leads to a complete breakup in communication, besides, one of you has to be the grownup!

And finally,

Explore the alternative:

Ending an unhealthy relation is far better than staying in it and ”biting the bullet”, life is too short to spend in hate, anger and daily turmoil.

Copyright © 2011 - Present Life Riddles
Photo Courtesy: Anonymous


About The Author: 

We are a husband and wife who love to blog about everyday’s life; we take turns being logical and emotional; though she is stronger on the emotional side by nature, we share the good times as well as the bad times and look forward to the challenges of a new day.

You could only imagine what would:  She Said and He Said as our pen names bring to the conversation,
Life is a big riddle; we all live it!!

Jaycee Lee Dugard: A Trauma That Sparked Hope

One can hardly envisage Jaycee Lee Dugard’s dark somber past looking at her bright, unruffled face, and tranquil emotions. Appearing in an interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer, Jaycee exhibited incredible verve and optimism. Her insinuations for future appeared as clear and pleasant as a sunshiny sky. Sitting calmly with an immutable balance while talking about her past wounds, Jaycee not only looked magnificent, but also majestic. For someone whose life was wildly tangled as a child, Jaycee’s grandeur as an adult was indeed moving and inspirational. Her story dates back to 1991 when Jaycee’s life took an unexpected detour while she was just 11. Jaycee was kidnapped by a pedophile from a school bus stop near her home in South Lake Tahoe, California, and held captive for 18 long years.

As a child ensnared in a dungeon at her abuser’s backyard, Jaycee was subject to grave and unending sexual assault. Jaycee’s abuser, an ex-convict and a man in his late fifties was a sexual deviant and a chronic drug abuser. He mortified Jaycee with social isolation, and continual threats that ultimately led to a rebuttal of her true identity while she was under house arrest. In her predator’s sexual captivity, Jaycee at 13 and 15 was forced to bear two daughters with him. As a helpless child who was unknowingly nestled into motherhood, Jaycee saw a new meaning in her lost life with the birth of her two daughters. She says that her daughters brought her companionship during her imprisonment years with her captor. But in the midst of her solitude, and physical and mental cruciation, Jaycee never ceased to hope. While jailed to a circumstantial silence, Jaycee constantly dreamt of a reunion with her beloved mother though she was coached to forget her past and feel secure in her captor’s den than in the open air. In the lock and key of her abuser, Jaycee lived a chilling life until she was miraculously set free by an investigation sparked by the campus security of UC, Berkley.

Submerged into darkness like the unsinkable titanic, Jaycee narrated the deepest fears of her captive years on public television. She, however, seemed unfettered by her past and portrayed a persona of a cheerful, confident young woman who today is inspirited to resurrect her stolen years. It seemed that for Diane Sawyer interviewing Jaycee and listening to the unspeakable was nothing less than a phenomenon. One could see a stupendous Diane bedazzled with Jaycee’s strength and intentions of evolving out of trauma. For millions of onlookers Jaycee stood as an example of a lost child who had ultimately found her way home from a deadly maze. As a victim once, but a survivor today Jaycee certainly is a miracle of life. Her past represents a picture of woe that ultimately was destined to culminate in peace and joy. Most of all, her daunting account, her endurance, and the ability to embrace her past as it is and move beyond it indeed is a vestige of hope. Jaycee’s life is a journey of faith and holding on to the power of belief that even though life may appear as a rugged terrain, it does leave us with notable lessons. Jaycee’s story is not a reminiscence of her past, but a renaissance of victory and pride. 

Copyright (c) 2011 - present Dharbarkha.blogspot
Photo Courtesy: ABC News

If Education Was…

Benjamin Franklin once said, “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.” The profundity of this thought reflects upon the significance of knowledge and self-expression. For centuries, education has been an uplifting attribute of self-awareness. Education leverages one’s personality, character, and moral consciousness. As a spearhead to extricate the self from dogmas and nuances of fear, education has been the handbook of insight that edifies positive behavior, indoctrinates intellectual expression, and stimulates self-exploration. But what happens when education is no more than a paper qualification? Or when an educated mind is stormed by pseudo effect that supersedes logic by bigotry and narrow-mindedness? Most people identify education with know-how and erudition, a mechanism that benefits them with employability and professional development. However, education is rarely taken as a supplement to enlightenment, open-mindedness, and refinement of the self. Had education been the core of mastery in life, man would have been much wiser and content than he is today. Negative thoughts, sulking behavior, greed, jealousy, anger and betrayal would thus have been replaced by joy, good nature, and peace of mind.

Moreover, violence, carnage, and abuse would have been infinitesimal currents in the life’s oceanic expanse had education been the force behind life’s flow. But the truth is that it is not. Perhaps it is one reason why many educated professionals live a duplicitous life where they perpetually craft ill means to put down others. For instance, many cases of dowry harassment and assault in India involve in-laws who are educated professionals, but have still made their daughter-in law’s life a living hell. Being educated and belonging to respectful families, these in-laws forget to be loving and respectful to their son’s or brother’s wife. They apparently forget that education does not teach them to suppress someone’s belief system, curtail their aspirations, or command their life. In such unfortunate and indeed unexpected circumstances, delicate relationships go haywire. Education also does not preach double standards where there are contradictory principles set for family members, such as privileges for the daughter and boundaries for the daughter in-law. The situation worsens in cases where an educated sister-in-law (who is a year younger to the daughter in law) acts as the second mother-in-law with her list of pretentious demands. The relationship decays when the same sister-in-law (aka junior mother-in-law) with her obsessive personality meddles in the day-to-day affairs of the married couple. The sister-in-law’s excessive intrusion of the married couple’s privacy puts the couple’s life on the edge. What then is the purpose of being educated if we do not learn to be progressive in our thoughts, or learn to be less self-indulgent and give time to new relationships? It’s like bringing a budding flower from someone else’s garden to replant it in your soil and expecting it to grow without any nurturance. The same flower may survive thinly for a couple of days in your garden, but without love and open air it would ultimately perish. Having the depth to understand such sensitivities in relationships is not just a matter of degree, but a matter of maturity and mindset. 

Copyright (c) 2011 - present Dharbarkha.blogspot

Photo Courtesy: Myspace

Dear Christian Choate

Dear Christian Choate

It’s been two years since you left this world in 2009. You were mercilessly smothered to death at an age when life is an abode of merriment and desires. Your mirth was stolen away by the murk of the three foot high dog cage in which you were ensnared by your own father and stepmother. When life is a canvas of vivid colors, you remained unseen in the darkness. At 13, when children your age aspire of accomplishments in academics, sports, and creative arts, you dreamt of getting out of your cage into the lap of nature. Christian, what you wanted was a normal life and cherished memories of your innocent childhood, but what you actually got was brutal abuse. You were ruthlessly beaten by your father, confined to the cage, sometimes deprived of food and water as if you were a wild beast on a rampant. A day before your death, your callous and apathetic father thrashed you heartlessly. While you lay unconscious, he locked your feeble body back into the cage as if you were a dead lotus in the lake. The next day when you lay asleep, peacefully caressed by the pristine wings of the guardian angel, your abusive father buried your mortal body in a shallow grave, covered it in concrete and then fled away from the crime scene.  It is still uncertain as to why your custody was given to your allegedly abusive father who already had a criminal record of charges, including battery, auto theft, and harassment. 

It is doleful to learn that your pediatrician, a mandatory reporter of child abuse did not report either to the child protection services or law enforcement agencies even though you informed him of your plight. Surprisingly, no one in your community ever witnessed or suspected abuse and called the hotline number for child abuse and neglect that every state has. The role of your biological mother in this whole episode remains inconclusive. However, your case has underscored some steaming questions, such as why weren’t you allowed to meet your biological mother even though you expressed the desire to meet her? Why was your custody given to your abusive father even though you could have been better off at a foster care or with an adopted family? Did Department of Child Services (DCS) not find any evidence of abuse in your trailer home even though they visited your family more than a dozen times starting in 1999? Was DCS ineffective in substantiating charges of abuse and neglect even though they had previous charges of physical abuse against your father and charges of unsanitary conditions and medical neglect against your stepmother? There is still no concrete and clear evidence as to why this all happened to you? Why you were always depressed and wanted to die? Why did your family abandon you even though, what you begged them for, was to be ‘liked’? 

Christian, what happened to you is like a widespread disease that infests on healthy ontogeny of a child, and is commonly known as child abuse. Almost 5 children die everyday of child abuse. Neglect is the most common form of child abuse that devours 59% of children. Almost 11% of children suffer physical abuse, 7.6% fall prey to sexual abuse, and 4.2% suffer emotional abuse. This statistics may disturb you further, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Child abuse if substantiated can be prosecuted and the abuser(s) can be held guilty under law. I am hoping that your abusers face the music given their acrimonious behavior towards you. Also, barbaric act like child abuse is not just a family’s problem, but an issue requiring community intervention. People should be made aware of child abuse reporting procedures through community wide campaigns. Education and awareness about recognizing signs of abuse, or reporting suspects should be a major part of such campaigns. In addition, healthy parenting through free trainings and seminars should be made available. Open communication between parents and children about child abuse, including sexual abuse can be a source of reassurance and building trust. It can also prevent such offenses that are sometimes committed by caregivers, such as relatives, fictive kins, or other people that innocent children may trust. Much action needs to be taken at the legal and criminal justice system level. Law enforcement agencies must be better equipped to handle child abuse cases, which often are diverse and complex in nature. Child abuse is a crime and law enforcement officers thus must be proactive in their investigations.  

Christian, as you lay peaceful and calm in the ambrosial home, I pray to god that your sojourn on this earth is not wasted, and that your abusers pay through their nose for the cruel affliction they put you through. May your soul rest in peace!

Copyright (c) 2010 - present Dharbarkha.blogspot
Photo Courtesy:  samiakostypos.gr

Women, Violence and Danger

A recent news item in the Reuters (factbox: The world's most dangerous countries for women), is a tumultuous testimony of the onslaught against women that still exists in many parts of the world. It is a lamenting yet noteworthy issue that despite a sociopolitical voyage for gender equality, women’s rueful plight remains a dreary discussion. Some of the countries that rank the highest in this predicament are Afghanistan, Congo, Pakistan, India, and Somalia. The brutality against women in these countries includes illiteracy and economic discrimination, forced marriages including child marriages, sexual violence and female genital mutilation, honor killings, domestic servitude besides human trafficking. The report suggests that 1 in 11 women in Afghanistan die of childbirth, while 57% of pregnant Congolese women are anemic. Also, 87% of women in Afghanistan are illiterate, while a mere 7.5% women hold parliamentary seats in Somalia, the horn of Africa. Moreover, 40 innocent Congolese women are raped everyday, while 95% of Somalian girls and women are put through genital mutilation. Not far beyond in the race, a 1000 Pakistani girls and women face honor killings, while 50 million infant girls are missing on account of infanticide and feticide in the religiously devout India. Many women in these countries experience physical assault and battery, unfortunately as customary to rustic traditions and the predominant culture of male monarchy. The above statistics may appear antediluvian, but it is a fresh perspective on the existing, and ever exacerbating indignation against women.

What may seem even more depressing is the bitter truth that majority of population in these nations is either unaware of such violent and life threatening tribulations, or perhaps is least bothered until the fire engulfs their own turf. Many times, the victims of these crimes are forced to bear abuse repeatedly and are intimated if they urge to take an action against it. Other times, victims’ emotional vulnerability becomes a vantage point to keep them in a state of denial like a sitting duck for the perpetrators. Also, the fact that some of these countries are an ongoing war zone, and lack a central government system, or are partially ruled by the militia, further extinct the possibilities for social change and investment in women empowerment. Moreover, the influence of theocratic law in some of these countries makes economic reforms preposterous. In addition, incessant absolute poverty and high levels of corruption are some other depriving factors for change. For instance, in India, where women’s economic participation and educating the girl child is on the rise, the country’s social systems appear unsuccessful in impeding female feticide. More importantly, social issues like education, women’s rights, and child marriages are rarely significant as far as political manifestation is concerned. Mostly theses issues appear like a small figurine in the electoral campaigns that often turn gray with time. So, if this is the feat of change, then we sure are in for a failure!

Copyright (c) 2010 - present Dharbarkha.blogspot

Photo Courtesy:  Photobucket

Looking Beyond Physicality-International Women’s Day 2011 Plea

Women, for long have been a buffoon puppet of the media and entertainment. As a gratifying toy, women have mainly been recognized as an object of seeking pleasure by pulling their psychological and physiological strings. Women, more often have been recognized for their physicality and least for their inner beauty. The media portrayal of women today is nothing less than an active and passive eroticization that often leads to a desire for voluptuous figures and augmentations in young girls, an accession sadly not of their intellectual and emotional self, but more often of their physical self. Billboards, magazines, video games, music videos, internet and even sometimes in movies, people love to see women unclad. As a poster girl, physicality of a woman displays her audacity to bare it all in public, showing a gallantry for fame that’s not far away from shame. From a velvet image in the past, women today have been incited to arousals, real or fake, who cares? The fact of the matter is that women are being used and sometimes even violated to animate passionate emotions and media largely has been the impetus to it.  What then is the consequence of such consummation? Is it dignity alone that’s at jeopardy or does it hurt conscience too? Does this portrayal influence our value systems and family integrity? Or is it giving a wrong message to a docile child next door? Most importantly, is it in any way affecting our social systems? The answers to these questions may not have one possible solution, as many would have differing perspective on this issue. The idea of this post, however, is not just to seek solutions. But to raise concern for covert and restricted opportunity structure that women exist in and for the innumerable overt ways their talents are judged.  

Also, one of the many fall-outs of an inappropriate media message is abuse and sexual violence against women that inadvertently leads to annihilation of positive emotions. In the pursuit of objectification, how different is the sex trafficking trade that causes illegal physical gratification and immoral manifestation? To what extent can the brothel businesses that so graciously put an innocent girl on sale be ruled out from their glooming, yet ever growing flesh trade? Moreover, is objectification of women concoction of a stark expression that lacks subjectivity? These are few stances that need to be uncovered and emphasized as we usher into a new epoch marked by the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day 2011. To achieve the goals of equal access for women in  science & technology, education and training, and providing decent work requires United Nations to uplift women in general, including the one's trafficked and those who have suffered turmoil in trenches, so that tomorrow when we look at a woman, we can look beyond her gender and her physical appeal. 

Copyright (c) 2010-Present Dharbarkha.blogspot
Photo Courtesy:  esoterica

I am the Spirit of a Woman

Copyright (c) 2010 - present Dharbarkha.blogspot
Video Courtesy: http://www.youtube.com/user/BarkhaDhar

Say No To Dowry

Marriage is an entity of benign omens and configurations made in the heaven, performed on the earth. It’s a gracious threshold to unification of two souls and of two families. As a prime religious ceremony, its zenith lies in a father’s courage to give away his piece of heart, his daughter in a poised and sacred alliance to another man as her better half. Also known as “Kanya daan” in Hindu wedding, it’s the father of the bride that offers his daughter for marriage on a promise that the groom shall perform his duties as a husband according to the vedic(religious) hymns recited during the ceremony. For a father indeed this is a moment of peak emotions as he fondly remembers the time when he cuddled his little daughter in his arms, rode her on his strong back, was swept away by her fascinating innocence, hugged her when she had a nightmare or a problem just to see that little girl leave to a different destination one day! It must take a father’s breath away to give away his child with such deep feelings and subconscious fear for his daughter’s wellbeing in her new life.    

From invoking loud chants to seven divine circuits of the holy fire (as in Hinduism), marriage is an inception of blushing emotions and a moment of coy as the bride and the groom decide to walk their journey together. With being betrothed comes a great responsibility on the couple to fructify a relationship based on mutual support and love. This elemental feature is the hallmark of being wedded to conjoin and be inseparable. Also known as ‘‘exchange of Vows” or “Saptapadi’’, these are seven significant steps in Hindu rites that defines marriage as an institution based on spiritual bond between the bride and her groom. It’s here that the couple vows to each other a healthy relationship, prosperous living, righteous lifestyle, happiness, harmony and faith, creating a family together, longevity of their marital relationship, and of being true and loyal to each other in order to sustain their companionship. 

If these are the sacraments we preach and practice over centuries in India then 

Why does the holy fire turn into a bride’s pyre? 

Why are some newly wed brides estranged, silently suppressed, emotionally harassed and in worst cases abused and burned to death?   

Is the idea of marriage today companionship or a competitive sale? 

Has education and urbanization taught us nothing at all?

Is being religious, devotional to god through fasting and pilgrimages taught us to suck a father’s blood through dowry if he wants to see his daughter settled and happy? 

When shall we cease inequalities between daughters and daughter-in-laws that cause us to be intellectually, emotionally and religiously immobile to practice what we learn from holy prayers and scriptures? 

Are those people who are ready to bargain their son today, also ready to bargain their own daughter tomorrow? 

If there is a price tag on an individual, is there a bargain for bruised emotions too?

Is being educated professionally, belonging to a good family, being raised with values just not enough for a girl to be happily married? 

Is it moral to ask for dowry in a smart, intelligent way and then later proclaim that ‘we didn’t ask for anything, we didn’t get any anything’? 

How would it feel to lose a young, lively and beautiful daughter? How would it feel to hear her cry, sob with pain? 

What would it be like to face a crisis that haunts most fathers and daughters in India? 

If Dowry means “stri-dhan”(gifts given by parents to their daughter, a property of the woman, her share of her parent’s wealth) then why is she tormented and trampled for her own wealth? 

Can India contain the benefits of globalization if its daughters are strangled by a social evil?

Who should be blamed for this?

 ......the parents of the girl, the girl herself, the in-laws or the society and our state of mind that forces us to such immoral acts through its injurious social comparisons? 

These are some questions that certainly dismay parents in India and abroad as their daughters turn marriageable or are in a marital relationship. If we still wait for someone else to be a Spartan to “say no” to dowry, then who shall be the first one to break this vicious cycle?

Today it’s happening to someone else’s daughter. Tomorrow it could happen to you and your daughter. 

Just think about it! 

Let marriage remain a social institution, a spiritual unification and not a daunting auction. Say No To Dowry.

Copyright (c) 2010 - present Dharbarkha.blogspot
Video Courtesy: http://www.youtube.com/user/BarkhaDhar

Women’s Rights Should Not Be Ostracized

Each day around the world a woman is ostracized. She is abused, neglected, abandoned or ousted from her identity to exist. Her consort, whom she looks up to as her knight in shinning armor becomes her greatest predator. Her valor and enthusiasm for life is often assumed to be audacious. She is continuously prejudiced in her right to survive, in her will to live a life of equality and similitude. Her tolerance for pain and suffering is considered to be her fate and fear. Her emotions are speculated and judged. Soraya. M, a woman sacrificed in the name of honor and stoned to death for alleged adultery almost two decades ago in a village in Iran is a mirror of such tribulation. More than 20 years later, women still are victimized and terrorized around the globe. Their voices are suppressed and their rights are extirpated to shun them of love, dignity and opportunity. 

Soraya.M’s horrific tale, a true story made into a movie by Cyrus Nowrasteh (The Stoning Of Soraya.M, 2008) is a pinch to the soul and a volcanic eruption for the mind. It is not a story of a woman, a village or a country but a story that lapidates the prerogative and state of womanliness. Like her even today many Sorayas are suffocated in relationships, trafficked across borders, abducted to brighten brothels, swindled into sexual drudgery though child marriages, genitally mutilated, beaten and infiltrated through aggravated sexual assault. Are these acts less barbaric than casting of stones? These may not seem as horrifying as stoning. But the screams from such acts emit an equal shrill. If I had simply watched the Stoning of Soraya and wiped my tears that trickled down during the movie’s climax, I would have been incompetent in my service to self and in torching justice for injustice. I hence decided to present my readers with this video to aware and educate on ostracism against innocence, independence and empowerment, which are the basic constituents of woman’s rights. 

In order to understand the necessity to honor a woman’s right; one needs to appreciate the role she plays in our survival. She gives life to gift mankind with the greatest pleasure on earth in being alive. She nurtures in a way that makes one learn the essence of subsistence. As an epitome of love and compassion, she consecrates harmony and happiness in relationships. For man to accept such feature may seem unlikely of his might. But it’s imperative to realize that strength of man’s muscle and character, the power in governances around the orb and the depth of ecclesiastical tenets does not lie in her coercion and crucifixion. With each woman executed physically, mentally and/or emotionally inside her home, on the streets, in business, politics or in foreign lands leaves us with martyrs for causes just like Soraya left with her story for the world to feel her pain. Man and his masculinity shouldn’t just be a symbol of violence and transgression. Likewise regulations and axioms shouldn’t be so gruesome that they become a threat to the spirit and essence of existence. Irrespective of our physicality, for god both men and women are equal for he decides not to reside up above in the blue sky but inside us, in our wisdom and in our deeds. He created man as an epitome of care and courage to fend for his counterpart (not just through marriage or any relationship) but in the chastity of an eclectic circle called humanity. 

So if you are a man and you see a women being expelled of her rights……

• Stand up against violence. You shall be more of a man in doing so
• Care for other women as you would care for your own
• Learn to respect femininity. It may not seem as powerful as masculinity but without it your machismo certainly is incomplete 
• Be an advocate to stop ostracism against women. Talk to peers, family and friends or whoever you think is the smallest dust particle that causes such offense. 
• Everybody says that it’s a man’s world. Is it or isn’t it? is not the question. The real quest is to make this world a better place for everyone to live including every woman you meet in your lifetime, irrespective of her role or abilities.  
• If you are the King, she is the Queen, so treat her like one. You will be a torch bearer for others.  

If you are a woman and you see another woman being blackballed......................

• The best thing you can do is to stop being critical of another woman’s plight  
• Stop mutter or gossip about other woman’s dilemma. Stand up for truth and freedom. It will show your magnanimity and not self-centeredness. 
• A woman standing up for every other woman will empower so many sisters in the spirit circle. It shall lessen half the problems that we women create for each other knowingly or unknowingly throughout our lives. 
• Break the cycle of abuse. Call for help/ emergency or crisis network if you see or know of a woman or child being abused physically, mentally or emotionally.
• Log in http://www.hotpeachpages.net/( an International directory of domestic violence agencies with abuse information in over 80 languages). 

On exposing to such change and bailing out the one in crisis, we shall rescue ourselves from mental handicaps based on discriminations and radical doctrines and realize that women’s rights are human rights.

Copyright (c) 2010 - present Dharbarkha.blogspot
Video Courtesy: http://www.youtube.com/user/BarkhaDhar

She is a woman : A poem by Barkha Dhar

“In this sacred heart is the home of burnt desires
a garden of fake flowers
a life glazed with pain
so immense and so drained
Every knock on this heart awaits a change
to see my world shine forever and ever again

She is voice of a mother, a wife, she is a lover and so much more
for she is a woman before her garb of roles
The truth however unfolds the fact
she is living in a world so dogmatic and whack
Change for her is so opaque, so unfair and so fake
She is independent and manifested yet is abandoned and evicted
for she is a woman forgotten and inflicted

Much has been done over the years
to stop oppression to wipe her tears
She still has a toll tearing her soul
for she is a woman so beautiful and bold
In this ravage she is searching for life
a light of her own to fight for her right

Education has given emancipation for she is so full of anticipation
She has a heart so tender to care
with a womb that has the power to bear
She still has to tackle society’s shackles
for she is a woman fighting her battles

She is a bird closed and caged, for she is a woman so full of rage
She is assaulted, set ablaze for she is a women abducted as bait
She has a palette with colors so pale
for her atrocities narrate her tale

She is singing a song take me along just take me along
to a place of love where I belong
A place where my gender is no more slender
A place where my peace is not haunted on streets
A place where life is so calm so I could live in no harm

She is a mother, she is a wife,for she is a woman
singing the song of her life
She has a heart that waits for change
to see her world shine forever and ever again”.
- By Barkha Dhar
Copyright (c) 2009-2010 Dharbarkha.blogspot
Photo Courtsey: Dryicons.com

Severity: A principle of Law or Life ?

The sermon of Shariah, the law in Malaysian land is the guiding principle to a Muslim woman’s posture of life. However time is reminiscent of the benumbing account of the ‘stoning of Soraya M’ in Shariah Iran. The incident speaks bizarre tales of dissonance today with such law. It further narrates the apathy of humanity in the garb of a woman, as also a mortuary of the laws of life. Every religion is sacred and serene as each propagates ‘living to be loved’. These preaching may seem little distinctive to us but they are unique for the supreme. As Swami Vivekananda once said, “ It’s the way you feel; feel like Christ and you will be a Christ; feel like Buddha and you will be a Buddha”. Similarly the holy Quran prescribes the Islamic way of life and explains its objectivity of educating minds and changing human attitude towards life. According to me, religion across sects is like a flower that unfolds each petal to devotional and ritual observances with faith and morality deep rooted. Kartika Sari Devi’s incident is an eye opener to such religion. This incident not only is a tussle between politics and religion but a choice between law and life. The part time Malaysian model and a mother of two may have committed a sin and trespass her religious boundaries but how appropriate is a decision to cane someone even though with moderation?


Using a rattan stick to make a woman aware of her mistake in 21st century world somehow cognates to Soraya. M’s appalling death incident by throwing stones while chanting “God is great” in 1980’s in rural Iran. If faith is the foundation of religion and God is our guide then how similar is religion and a rigid law? The situation on her so-called punishment opens doors to the cause of humanity. Apparently it was Kartika’s decision in her complete senses to go beyond the social norms and commit such mistake. Canning punishment, an act that none would inflict on children for their misconduct, is dishonoring the dictates of conscience and a probable disgrace to humanity. In my view the principles of life are preface to a law. Any law or religious verdict needs to be a dispassionate critic at least in a modern society where multiculturalism is the heart of change. It seems Kartika Sari may have got carried away in an emotional spontaneity under a multicultural influence while unleashing her religious coating. What Kartika today needs is not a cane but a resolution to recuperate her faith. From the verses of Quran, “the Allah is the most gracious and the most merciful and the owner of the day of recompense”. Kartika’s recompense is to attune to her inner voice, understand the effect of her doings as confirmed with the preaching of her sacred religion just similar to a law that confirms to humanity. Kartika’s canning is not the end to a cause. It may excite more people to commit such mistake, bear the cane and move forward. She needs to embrace that religion has the power to forgive and forget as it exists for the cause of humanity and not against it. Any law needs to abide by such guiding principle. Analogous to the verses of Quran, “all human beings must be treated with honor and respect without any distinction, such is our faith that sees God as an inner light steering us through the darkness. Our God may have thousand names but he resides in all so have mercy on severity.

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Women really or rarely empowered?

Envisioning dreams in a conservative society sure needs guts. The 21st century however has experienced change in its societal domain. Gender studies, women empowerment and achieving a racial equilibrium have for long looked good in the dictionary, law journals and the university curriculum. These issues have also been voiced and opinionated for years. Amidst all the loud voices, feature presentations, social and international agendas, there are questions that still remain unanswered. In spite of the changing face of urban women, rural regions and conservatism is still a parasite. It is a shallow and pedantic hole that is each day digging the grave for the idea of change. If we are living in a technologically advance and modern society where women are now considered equal to men and where independence meets interdependence, then why do women still feel emotionally abandoned? Moreover, why do still dreams shatter? why isn’t the right to expression fundamental and most importantly why isn’t freedom still free of cost?

Writing about social issues is certainly not my profession but a predisposition. As a little girl, I was taught that womanhood is a gift of god as we have an innate nature to nurture, the perseverance to serve and the power to deliver. I have faint memories of my childhood where women were compared to Goddess Shakti or Durga (The giver of power in Hindu Mythology). I wonder if mythology has anything to do with our social and emotional cravings or is it just a superficial answer to the soul. I wish mythology could mitigate our pain, then we women wouldn’t still suffocate in a split society trying to keep up with religious pressures, and minority faiths or even bear male chauvinism. Wide angle’s documentary on Angelina Duah Fares on PBS perhaps is the root to my burgeoning questions. The story of this young aspiring woman narrates the tales of refined atrocities on women even in this 21st century world.

Further to the above, hailing from a country where women have longed for social and economic independence, I truly empathize with Duah Fares. In times where the world is defined as a single global entity, it is pathetic and emotionally averse to see the plight of women in some regions of the world. Like Angelina Duah Fares there are several other unknown names or faces across the world who still are victims of constant suppression and resentment. It is just that some stories are told while, as others remain half written. This subject of equality and empowerment is indeed debatable. It is important to analyze if the women of 21st century are really empowered or rarely empowered? Well for starters, there are numerous examples of great women achievers whose talents have been realized and recognized. This facet is like a sunshine with women of substance like Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Hallee Berry, or even the most recent achievers like supreme court justice Soniya Sotomayor and Dr. Sangeeta Bhatia, a pioneer in artificial liver invention. These women have truly exemplified thought provoking change and the need to mentor young minds. Needless to say, from scratch to sassy, these women have soared high in a so-called man’s world. This however seems like a mirage when young girls like Duah fares are forced to cease their aspirations. This means that there still exists a huge nascent gap, which needs to be filled with moral dignity and humanity.

Moreover, If all women are born equal and are capable to compete, then why does physical abuse and sexual harassment still exists? Cases such as Duah Fares may give in or give away to religious verdicts, for now but not for long. It certainly seems like a stop –gap and not a full stop. To conclude, as President Obama said in his inaugural speech, “we need to get up and dust ourselves”. In my view, however, this dust needs to transcend economics and politics and touch social issues of liberty and humanity at large. We all need to dust our minds first if we really are committed to enforcing such change in its total domain including the hue and cry of the women force.

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